.: ExPlAnAtIoN :.

Why do you get so mad

When I talk shit on my brother and my dad?

Why do you let things Slide when it comes to them.

But

If I fuck up once its feels like abandonment

Why cant you open your eyes

And see

The world doesn't revolve around materialistic things

Don't validate me

I talk the way I talk

Dress the way I dress.

So just accept

It

Why should I apologize

For being the way that I am?

I'm not ashamed

For all this shit that I claim.

Just do me the favor

And don't take the blame here

You did nothing wrong 

You weren't a fucked up mom

You were always their 

During every one of my affiars

Voice Lessons,

Rehearsals,

Band Concerts,

Everything that you knew really mattered.

Back in the day,

It seemed like I didn't care

Didn't appreciate

For every cent you threw out their

And especially 

For your #1 heart ache.

I saw my dad

Always late

Or 

Never there

Always demanding

Never took the time

To realize the real women in you.

All the pain he put you through.

You didn't need to accept

Even though you did.

Thats why I can't put the pieces together

Of the Calderon Puzzle.

The people who never really said thank you

The ones who use you 

Talk shit about you

Treat you like you are nothing 

Just for being a women

But they get treated better

Then the ones that try to make you feel

No 

The ones who let you know

You are equal.

No matter what your race,

Your title,

Or your gender.

Don't take offense

To whatever I just said

If you didn't see the point,

I'm really saying thank you.

All i want is an explanation.

Why you get so mad

When I talk shit on my brother and my dad?

.: I Am Me :.

I am sitting here,

all alone.

Shattered soul,

Shattered heart.

I'm thinking to myself

What Happened?

Where did I go wrong?

Weren't you supposed to love me?

Weren't you supposed to care?

What made you hate me?

What made you disown me?

Was I ever good enough?

Did you ever care?

I know I wasn't easy,

I didn't make you proud

And for that I'm sorry.

Sorry for being me.

Sorry for swearing.

Sorry for leaving.

Sorry you validated my feelings.

But why can't you understand,

I never felt wanted,

Never felt special.

Constantly felt like the odd ball out,

The disappointment ,

The fuck up.

Always fat never skinny.

Always ugly never pretty.

Always sharp but never perfect.

So I always tried to be just that...

Perfect.

Perfect Outfit,

Perfect Smile,

Perfect Tone.

But I always pretended.

So everyone could see my perfect family.

Perfect mother,

Perfect father,

Perfect brothers.

Rose, Martin, Chris, Victor, Alex, and then me.

All of us had two faces,

All of us were putting on a show.

Mom, strong but walked all over.

Dad, envied but scandalous.

Chris, Outgoing but underestimated.

Victor, smart but deceitful.

Alex, fun but hurt.

Then silly old me:

Skinny but fat.

Pretty but ugly.

Voice of an angel but either sharp or flat.

Hard working but lazy.

Strong but abused.

A leader but blind.

The list could go on,

About how i used to be.

But out of that list,

I was never perfect.

Never good enough.

But always sad,

Always bruised,

Always feeling sorry for myself.

Verdad Familia?

Isn't that what you always said?

It was in my head,

I just felt bad for poor little Adrianna.

So I hid my pain.

I cut myself,

Drugged myself,

Did everything I could to take the pain away.

For a day,

An hour,

A second.

You saw the signs,

Cause I didn't hide them.

I didn't want to pretend anymore.

I wanted to be free.

Free from the world,

From society,

From my family,

From my life.

So I slipped away,

And I stopped caring.

I was okay with not being perfect.

I'm not saying I was happy.

I'm not saying I was sad.

I deserved everything I got.

I was taught lessons from my mistakes.

I grew up young.

I stopped believing,

In people

And in myself.

I found myself looking,

For someone to love me for me.

Did i find them?

No.

But I still stuck around.

I thought being slapped around

Must have meant something.

Right?

Even though these guys hurt me,

Physically and Mentally,

At least they cared.

Cared to tell me the truth.

How ugly I was.

How fat I was getting.

How nobody loved me but them.

To tell me they weren't abusing me,

They were just putting me in my place.

But I don't regret any of it.

Not the drugs,

Not the boys,

Nothing at all.

Cause I started to grow.

Finally made goals.

Finally had dreams.

Finally becoming Adrianna.

So I will make a stand.

Stand up for what I believe in.

You will not disrespect me,

Walk all over me,

Use me.

To get respect you must earn it.

I don't care if your my friend,

My pastor,

My family,

God even.

I'm done with trying to live up to your expectations.

This is my life not yours.

You can be apart of it or out of it.

Cause at the end of the day...

Your the one ashamed,

Your the disappointment,

Your the cow,

Your the beast.

Blood may be thicker than water,

But blood becomes worthless after being out for so long.

Do you really want to know what I've become,

Or who I am?

I am me.

And the best thing about it,

I am not perfect!