.: StAnDiNg On EdGe :.

Lord I killed myself today

I needed something to take away the pain

I tried so hard to run away

One step at a time 

Till I realized

 Their were no more for me to climb.

Death was waiting for me at the top

 Disguised as myself

I thought

I finally was okay

Come Sit by me 

I think I said
So I crawled over
Cautiously

But how 

Could I be staring

At a reflection of my self

Or

Was the real me finally out.

I was a wolf in sheeps clothing

Pretending to be who I wasn't 

Being undressed by Death 

One Bandaid at a time

We talked

About everything

My fears,

My woes,

My regrets,

For a week 

Or

For a hour

I lost track.

You were pulling in my anchor

Telling me you had a way out.

Into my own rabbithole we crept

A tunnel of memories,

Hurtful and Happy.

Back to the roof

That we met.

Now with both legs.

I stood at the ledge.

 Seeing all the people I made happy

All the people I loved,

You told me to turn around

Suddenly I was Death

Pushing the only part of me that ever existed

 Watching myself fall in to the ground

A tear rolled down my cheek.

A tear of joy

A tear of regret.

Lord I thought I killed myself today.

I dreamt a way to end my pain.

< SaYiNg GoOdByE tO yEsTeRdAy >

Im saying goodbye to yesterday

Today is when I will turn the page

 New year

New life

New me

My resolution

For life.

Be who I want to be

Say what I have to say

Go where I want to go

 Live each day as it were my last 

I tell my tale 

Through my blog.

 Its open for everyone to see.

Your just like Alice

Chasing after me.

 Crawl into my rabbit hole.

Read about my life

Think what you want about it

I dont give a shit.

I' m like a drug

You need me.

You want me.

Im your fiend.

I say what you think

I'm your guilty conscious.

Thats why you are still reading this. 

Give me suggestions....

I love opinions.

Just remember Alice....

When you look into my rabbithole

I'll show you how deep the rabbithole goes.

.: GeT oUt :.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Isn't that how the saying goes?

Why can't you understand,

Nobody wants you here.

Your a loser,

 a jerk,

Pathological liar

But I see the truth,

 Go hide behind Your mother

But Guess what ASSHOLE

Shes my mom to

But now she sees the truth
 I TOLD HER EVERYTHING
About your true colors,

About your girl,

About your job,

About your habits!

 Its all been exposed!

I started the new year right

I wont lie for you

Your as dead to me

As I am to you

NO more favors

No more regrets!

Get out of my house
Get out of my life

You can't make it without me
Soon you'll see
I am better than any women you'll ever find
And more of a man then you will ever be.
Don't be surprised if you come home
And your key doesn't turn.

.: ExPlAnAtIoN :.

Why do you get so mad

When I talk shit on my brother and my dad?

Why do you let things Slide when it comes to them.

But

If I fuck up once its feels like abandonment

Why cant you open your eyes

And see

The world doesn't revolve around materialistic things

Don't validate me

I talk the way I talk

Dress the way I dress.

So just accept

It

Why should I apologize

For being the way that I am?

I'm not ashamed

For all this shit that I claim.

Just do me the favor

And don't take the blame here

You did nothing wrong 

You weren't a fucked up mom

You were always their 

During every one of my affiars

Voice Lessons,

Rehearsals,

Band Concerts,

Everything that you knew really mattered.

Back in the day,

It seemed like I didn't care

Didn't appreciate

For every cent you threw out their

And especially 

For your #1 heart ache.

I saw my dad

Always late

Or 

Never there

Always demanding

Never took the time

To realize the real women in you.

All the pain he put you through.

You didn't need to accept

Even though you did.

Thats why I can't put the pieces together

Of the Calderon Puzzle.

The people who never really said thank you

The ones who use you 

Talk shit about you

Treat you like you are nothing 

Just for being a women

But they get treated better

Then the ones that try to make you feel

No 

The ones who let you know

You are equal.

No matter what your race,

Your title,

Or your gender.

Don't take offense

To whatever I just said

If you didn't see the point,

I'm really saying thank you.

All i want is an explanation.

Why you get so mad

When I talk shit on my brother and my dad?

* HeY yOu WhItE gIrl *

Your shit does stink.

Your not cool,

With your Chanel bag and Ugg boots.

Look at me when I talk to you.

I know you can understand me 

Even though I'm Mexican

I do know English 

Nor 

Do I have a authentic accent,

Don't think your so hot,

With your died platinum hair.

And your surgically implanted boobs.  

You are not Barbie

Your mouth won't keep shut

Your a golddigging slut.

With your alimony money.

Just hold a sign,

Right above your head.

That simply says.

" Will open my legs,

With a credit check"

Hey OOMPA LOOMPA

I know your tan is fake.

Your white okay...

Just accept it

Step back on the helium

That you pretend is inserted in your ass

Cause bitch your voice is annoying

With your 

"Oh my gods"

or

" Whatevers"

Tell me can you say anything that's clever.

Don't go to my favorite restarant 

To order a fucking salad.

Go home and make your rabbit food yourself.

If you go out to dinner

Eat Bitch!!!

It wont go straight to your Silicone ass 

I promise.

If not its nothing a Liposuction treatment can't fix.

Raise your kids yourself 

Like a regular American.

You don't need help 

Homemaker.

Boo Hoo to you

For not being able to have you daily spa treatment

Or weekly Pedicure.

Spend some quality time with your children

Not on yourself.

I'm sick and tired of your stupid white girls

I don't like dropping my i.q just for you

Someone please alert the goverment.

That they should start charging a new tax.

For stupid bimbos like you!!

This is not intended for all white women.

* WhAtS yOuR fEtIsH *

I had no Christmas this year...

My mom is in Arizona.

And their is no fucking way 

I am going to be stuck

In a car for ten hours with the 

Asshole, The " Homemaker" and the prick

Sorry mom.

Christmas was not worth that much agony...

Its supposed to be the time of cheer.

Plus who wants to be with family on Christmas
To watch low life's sit and use my mother for presents.

Hey Assholes
She's worth more than her credit card...

So My real family...
(Mom and Alex aside)

Rearranged my room,

Hung out,

Drank eggnog by the fire....

Ha ha just kidding about the fire and nog part..

And we went to FETISH BALL

At Area 51.

So the whole gang got together 

and

had a Birthday/ Christmas together

I was so happy
  I got to bust out the tutu again ha ha 

Of coarse once everyone was ready .... 

WE had to make or Christmas cards for the year ..

A little late i know but here the are

Ha ha
I love them
So when we went to area...

Everyone kept buying me drinks....

I learned alot to...

Like I like my shots dressed,

I prefer sex on the beach as a 

Shooter then a drink

Ha ha I was way wasted..

Hick was their as well

Oh my let me tell you how cute Hick is....

I have a love for this man...

HE is amazing

He is incredible

I would marry him in a hearbeat...

 Laugh all you want but i am

OBSESSED

With forrest gump.

Well this hick guy can quote forrest gump

more than i can...

And sounds like him naturally... ha ha

Oh my it was hot....

So...I drank

I Danced

&

I peed

& Flushed

 

& Peed some more

 

Once the seal was broken 

It was 

broken.

It was so much fun...

A much needed Christmas.

Sorry mom that Chris and I couldn't see you

But like i said before we will have our own soon.